Conveying Care in Grief
Loss is on all our minds right now. We grieve the lives we are missing and the lives that have been lost. As a nation and a world, we mourn 2020 and what it has taken from us. It seems an appropriate time to reflect on grief and how we can help others through it.
Why am I somewhat qualified to offer a few insights on this subject? Several years ago, one of Jason’s young siblings passed away unexpectedly. When someone dies suddenly many decades early, shock and anger compound sorrow. The weight of lost time and opportunities feels heavy and unmanageable. It is an excruciating and depleting experience. I was recently reminded of that traumatic event when one of my grandmas died. A full life had been lived in her case, and the sadness of the situation was not jarring. However, not being able to hug fraught relatives or attend the funeral in person due to COVID made the grief more isolating than usual. Those circumstance led me to again ponder what we can do better to comfort others who are mourning. I believe most people want to help those they care about cope with loss, but often they don’t understand how. May the list below, inspired by what I learned a few years ago, provide some ideas:
1. Supporting Members Don’t Get Much Support
A startling and tragic death, like that of a young person, usually elicits an outpouring of support from others. However, that support is often disproportionately focused on the parents or spouse. While those people certainly need and deserve extensive care, they typically aren’t the only ones struggling. Grief also hits siblings, grandparents, cousins, friends, etc.
Further, those supporting family members have to sustain their relatives too crushed by grief to function. They are the ones carrying most of the weight of emotionally exhausting and time intensive funeral preparations. They are the ones diligently looking out for those at the apex of grief even though their own reserves are depleted, but too often few are looking out for them.
What Might Help?
Remember, grief is less like an established river and more like a floodplain. Its impact is often widespread, and those drowning aren’t always obvious. Spread your care out a little.
2. Death Is Unappetizing
When the dreadful surprise of a death hits, you don’t eat, but you don’t even remember that you haven’t. Additionally, grocery shopping and other everyday tasks get jumbled by the grief-stricken brain. Even if you thought to eat, you might not have anything to consume.
Jason dropped seven pounds in the week following his sibling’s death, and I lost 11. Even after that initial plunge, my weight continued to dip for weeks. I’m sure this is a common occurrence for many amidst sorrow.
Jason’s parents were provided more meals by kind souls than they knew what to do with. Not a single meal poured into us, and yet, we weren’t eating. This goes back to my previous section and remembering that it isn’t just those at the epicenter of a death who may be devasted by it.
What Might Help?
Give a mourning friend a Grubhub gift card or drop off a meal. Consider taking them some groceries.
3. Death Is Exhausting
After a shocking death, you don’t sleep. Compound that with the emotional fatigue of loss and the taxing nature of arranging a funeral, and you hit a new level of mental and corporal weariness.
What Might Help?
If your grieving friend or family member has kids, take the kids for an afternoon so he/she can rest.
4. Death Is Distracting
I don’t know how to convey this properly to those who have never experienced it. It happens with all deaths, but with traumatic deaths it is much more pronounced. Daily routines and everyday tasks, which don’t generally require conscious thought, become habits from some other lifetime. You don’t remember to put gas in the car, buy food, put food in your mouth, shower, change your clothes, etc.
What Might Help?
Run the errands for a grieving friend or coworker that have been neglected. Also, be patient with them. Don’t expect them to be on their A game for weeks or possibly even months.
5. Death Is Expensive
Funerals are pricey, typically at least $10,000-$15,000. For a family not anticipating that expense, it can be an overwhelming burden at an already destressing time.
What Might Help?
If you have the means, considering contributing a small amount to help pay for funeral costs. Also, do your family a favor and have your own funeral fund in place just in case. Then, you won’t leave this weight in the wake of your own passing.
6. Death Is Isolating
Upon returning to work after his sibling’s death, Jason found people avoided him. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all. This made hard days much worse.
What Might Help?
Don’t avoid those who have experienced a jolting loss just because finding the right words is tough. It only serves to make them feel even more isolated and alone in their grief. Be willing to make yourself a bit uncomfortable to comfort them.
7. Death Lingers
There is no expiration date on grief. There is no timeline. Death comes fast at first and then slow. Months or years later, something may remind you of your deceased loved one and sorrow engulf you without warning.
What Might Help?
Don’t forget someone may be gripped by a death for weeks, months, or even years. Don’t let your support be only temporary.
8. Vague Help Doesn’t Help
If you sincerely want to help someone grieving, don’t just tell them to let you know if they need anything. Vague offers of assistance are unlikely to ever be utilized.
What Might Help?
Suggest specifics. Tell a mourner you’ll bring them a meal or take their kids for a day. Tell them you’ll handle their work project.
9. COVID Conceals Loss
Losing a loved one during a pandemic is a strange experience. COVID complicates grief. You can’t give a comforting hug, and you often can’t even attend a funeral. You have to think about social distancing at a time when it’s hard to think at all.
What Might Help?
You may be separated from your grieving comrades, but don’t get so lost in your own walls that you forget about them. COVID is detaching enough. Don’t let those coping with loss in the midst of it feel even more alone.
Saying goodbye is hard, whether it be the ache of missing a beloved parental figure or the raw jolt of having many years snatched away from someone still at the beginning of their life. While every circumstance is unique and each person experiences grief differently, I hope my insights help you convey care to others mourning.
As a related final note, may those of you who have lost a loved one to COVID feel surrounded by support and love even in this disjointing time. The nation mourns with you.
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