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Wired

Centuries ago, somebody realized that if a woman’s voluminous layers of petticoats were kept away from her body she would be less likely to cook like a lobster in a pot of lace. (Apparently, the obvious solution, just decreasing the layers of petticoats, was completely overlooked.) Thus, the hoop skirt, an underskirt with stiffening materials to hold its shape, was created. It really was a clever concept until someone, probably a man, remembered that bigger is better. Hoop skirts became larger and larger until women took up as much space as bloated cows. And that brings me to my performance in precisely such a vintage tent.

We dance with a fantastic bunch of people.
We dance with a fantastic bunch of people.

This December, Jason and I danced again at the Festival of Trees, a fundraiser for Primary Children’s Hospital, in attire appropriate for the 1860s and also appropriate for causing some exasperation. The circumference of the hoop skirt I wore to this affair measures just over 231 inches. Trying to squeeze that overinflated balloon through the festival crowds was like pushing an orange through a flour sifter.

I know Gay Gordons so well, I only mess it up if I actually think about what I am doing.
I know Gay Gordons so well, I only mess it up if I actually think about what I am doing.
The Oslo Waltz is danced in a round and makes inflated skirts sway like bells.
The Oslo Waltz is danced in a round and makes inflated skirts sway like bells.

Our group of six couples danced nine numbers in the half-hour we were on stage. Since this was our second time performing at the festival, Jason and I were unruffled by the little pack of spectators that gradually expanded during our show.

The Windmill looks impressively complicated but really isn't.
The Windmill looks impressively complicated but really isn’t.
There is quite a bit of bowing, curtsying, and hat tipping done at the end of our performances.
There is quite a bit of bowing, curtsying, and hat tipping done at the end of our performances.

After our routine, my imposing underskirt infrastructure slowed our movement across the exhibit hall. I got stared at and stopped frequently by excited youngsters because of my resemblance to a princess but I didn’t mind being mistaken for royalty.

My girth was exponentially enlarged at the Dickens' Ball also.
My girth was exponentially enlarged at the Dickens’ Ball also.

A week or so later, we attended the Dickens’ Ball. I donned that same wired slip and gave up fitting through doorframes in exchange for an evening of spirited stepping. For, although simple tasks, like sitting, are rendered unpleasant when you’re wearing a skirt bulkier than a bath tub, dancing in such an outfit is a stimulating drama. Your dress’s momentum doesn’t always coincide with your own and its insistent will makes you feel like you’ve a mixed mind about you. It’s quite an amusing commotion. Incidentally, if you know a family of four looking for some new housing, I have the perfect skirt.

Rachel January 6, 2016 No Comments

No Silence This Night

Every December, we invite a small group of friends to join us for an energetic Christmas gathering. This celebration has evolved over the years and now has its own long-standing traditions. Those traditions range from tasty to tacky… and sometimes borderline nasty. Here are a few of them.

Wouldn't you want this prancing around your rooftop on Christmas Eve?
Wouldn’t you want this prancing around your rooftop on Christmas Eve?

Dinner is served. This time it came in the form of blackened chicken pasta, provolone and salami salad, cheesy breadsticks, chocolate cake, and buttermilk pie from Magleby’s. The food they provided seemed ample enough to feed a mass much larger than our little crowd.

Games are played. Common among them are pool, shuffleboard, Just Dance, and ping pong. I love Just Dance even though it tends to repellently jiggle everything the good lard gave you.

Jason wore a Star Wars sweater and I wore a Doctor Who one. Remarkably, we weren't the only couple dressed in that exact combo.
Jason wore a Star Wars sweater and I wore a Doctor Who one. Remarkably, we weren’t the only couple dressed in that exact combo.

We go around the world. A few matches of Around the World involving everyone are a standard at our Christmas party, although most of us don’t have the ping pong skills to even go around the net.

Christmas sweaters, mostly of the ugly variety, are worn. (Is there any other variety?)

If it is juvenile, puerile, vulgar, or detestable, it is likely to occur at our party.
If it is juvenile, puerile, vulgar, or detestable, it is likely to occur at our party.

And, of course, a white elephant exchange game is played. In our version, nothing is opened until the end. We like our guests to fight over the boxes that inevitably end up containing old socks or something with Justin Bieber’s face on it.

This year, I did add one new diversion to the merriment. I brought my camera equipment and took some shots of any attendees that desired them. I’m not entirely sure if I will do this again. It ate up too much time and it was hard to focus on my photography with so many distractions swirling around me. Still, it’s not every day you get a picture of Jeremy in tight sweats and antlers… oh wait, it is.

We encourage the wearing of tasteless attire to our party.
We encourage the wearing of tasteless attire to our party.

Cheers to the tacky-sweater-sporting and outrageous-present-begetting gang that joined us this year. Thanks to them, Santa’s got a brand new bag, a bean bag, and moose knuckles, in a miraculous feat of science, have been transplanted onto reindeer. I’d say the party was a success.

Rachel December 28, 2015 No Comments

A Berry Scary Halloween

Is there any holiday as hip as Halloween? That’s a rhetorical question for when else do you get to put on someone else’s clothes and decorate your front yard with spare body parts? (Well, besides every other Tuesday of course.)

For us, free time in October is rarer than a vegan werewolf. (See last week’s post if you somehow don’t understand why.) But we have a few Halloween traditions that aren’t negotiable, regardless of their convenience.

I remember school buses being a little roomier.
I remember school buses being a little roomier.

This October, we again found agricultural refinement at Cornbelly’s. I valiantly led our group of longtime friends through the corn maze in record time. I may have taken us on a few sneaky shortcuts but Jason was the only conscientious objector to my maze cutting.

Cornbelly's had a Minion theme this year.
Cornbelly’s had a Minion theme this year.

Once a year, Jason and I mold fingers, gobble toes, carve faces, and roast bones. It’s a gruesome cooking experience that we greatly look forward to. This time we settled on making curried pumpkin soup, confetti corn quesadillas, and almond witch finger cookies dipped in red velvet hot chocolate. I never knew there was a limit to how many fingers one could consume in a sitting without getting a tummy ache. It’s three, for those of you that would rather not learn that lesson the hard way.

Making a spooky dinner is a favorite October tradition of ours.
Making a spooky dinner is a favorite October tradition of ours.

We love to pass out sweets to the throngs of trick-or-treaters that bombard our house on Halloween. The full-size candy we distribute definitely draws in the kiddies. Our decorations, on the other hand, both attract youngsters and repel them, depending on the tykes’ delicacies regarding the daunting. Despite the kids that found our porch too frightening to risk, we had about 250 costumed customers knock on our door this year.

For us, Halloween is a bringer of madness, and I’m not just talking about that plate of fingers. Yet, notwithstanding the work entailed in our seasonal productions, Halloween remains my favorite spell and still elicits that candy-costume high. Those unforgettable evenings of pushing through cutting air and cackling leaves in the urgent pursuit of treats while constantly scanning the shadows for a hint of a creep are lodged in my psyche. They, along with so many more-recent recollections, will keep Halloween my top twisted holiday forevermore.

Rachel November 19, 2015 No Comments
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