Last Saturday I rode Goldilocks, a women only noncompetitive bike ride, for the third consecutive year. I guess you could say I’m a regular porridge pounder.

While this ride was just as cute and empowering as ever, there were some minute changes this time on my end, specifically with my end, that weren’t so adorable.

This year I discarded all dignity and donned a pair of biking shorts, something that I swore for good reasons I would never do. And it gets worse folks. As bad as the average awfully-unattractive spandex leggings may be, the particular high-tech shorts I bought are far uglier. Not only do they revealingly stick to each unsightly body ripple but they also have seat padding that is almost an inch thick. Great. Extra stuffing: just what someone like me who has a hinny large enough to give J. Lo a run for her money needs. I looked completely grotesque in my biker’s getup but at least those stretchy constrictors were quite comfy and did make my rear ache less. I guess if beauty is pain then ugliness should feel pretty good. By the way, it may be too late at this point to warn you to avert your eyes from this post’s pictures if you easily grow queasy at the site of spandexed butt fat but consider you and your innocent children tipped off anyway.

It was in this shamelessly attired manner that I biked Goldilocks with my friend Liz, one of the ladies that joined me last year. We again opted to do the meager 20 mile ride, which you hardcore cyclist will rightly pooh-pooh. But our frailty does have a silver lining. For although we didn’t muster the gumption to pedal clear across the county, we did shave off about half an hour from our previous finish time without even trying. That’s right, we pedaled faster than last year’s models of us. And next time we’re really, really sure we want to do the 40 mile course. I guess that means I will need to get my bike out and start training in the middle of winter. I can’t say that having the glacial winds of winter wick all feeling out of my extremities sounds especially appealing but I am stubborn and stupid so why not.

Goldilocks, the blonde beast, was conquered once again! And in the same fell swoop any sense of dignity I might have had was also squelched. Next year may my posse and I kick 40 miles in the keister even if that means having to exhibit our hideous keisters all across the valley!

The last two winters delivered an unbelievable amount of snow but I must regretfully acknowledge that this season the snow gods did not smile upon Utah. The powder came late and infrequently this year. With that said, Jason and I still had a great time boarding. We made the most of the handful of good storms we did have. Work and life were skipped as often as necessary when sweet powder presented itself. We hit the slopes on eight occasions, three of which were in one divine week, as we were called forth by the promise of sunshine or the arrival of fresh fluff.

My education in the art of boarding continued this year. I conquered my first black diamonds, attempted wall hits, rode tighter tree runs, and picked up my speed. Of course, I also wrecked masterfully several times. Like when I was catapulted through the air by some rock-solid hard pack and landed on my knees with a ferocious might that knocked the breath out of me and left them swollen and bruised for weeks or when I somersaulted all the way down a black diamond hill in an unstoppable fashion that resembled the growing human snowball tumble you see in cartoons. Not some of my finer moments but hey, for boarders pain equals progression, which explains why I’m such an amazing rider now. (Shut up and let me hold onto the dream.)

Earlier this week Jason and I rode the slopes of Brighton on their closing day. We mingled with caped skiers and riders in pink bunny suits as we celebrated another season and mourned its end. The boarding may only have been mediocre this year compared to the last couple, we may not have been enticed into the mountains as often or blasted by blizzard after blizzard, but we still found the sweetness. For all those that seek powder with hearts as pure as freshly fallen snow shall obtain it. This the gods of winter have promised and this they will bestow. Amen.