Why, school? Why do you get in the way of me being a first-rate nerd? Aren’t you supposed to further my betterment? How can you stand for progress while hindering my cultural education?

Salt Lake FanXperience 2016 happened in March. I love having fantastic fan conventions in my quadrant. Normally, I’m engrossed in these things longer than the USS Bozeman was stuck in that time loop but I was mid-semester during this one so I couldn’t completely nerd out. Still, despite school being a downer, Jason and I condensed FanX rather effectively.

We went to a special presentation given by astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Hearing from someone who’d been to real space instead of plywood space was fascinating. We got a picture with Matt Smith and Alex Kingston while wearing full bowtie, attended some intriguing feminist panels, and went to a session on male cosplay so Jason could get a few tips on how to perform better. Data showed him how it’s done.

We attended the Doctor Who Ultimate FanXperience, which featured the Fifth Doctor, Seventh Doctor, Eleventh Doctor, and River Song this year. It was over an hour and a half of Doctors jabbing each other on their weird wardrobe choices and reminiscing about aliens. It was quite entertaining. We also witnessed our first FanX cosplay contest. This wasn’t trick-or-treating; it was the big leagues baby!

Moreover, something truly momentous happened at FanX this year. I acquired the last autograph for my ST:TNG cast poster. That’s right, LeVar Burton’s signature made my cast collection complete. I have arrived!

Hmmm… after some consideration, it would appear that I am still a first-rate nerd even if my master’s courses made it impossible for me to immerse myself in FanX like the Joker immersed himself in that vat of chemicals. Hey, I wore a Darth Vader dress and lightsaber earrings to one of my graduate classes just so I would be properly arrayed for FanX. That took some serious nerd balls; you know I’ve got big ones.

Jason and I are steadfast nerds so there’s no need to consult Professor X about whether we ended up at Salt Lake Comic Con again this year.

Salt Lake Comic Con 2015 proceeded very much like its predecessors. We went to panels featuring Felicia Day, James and Oliver Phelps, John Barrowman, Anthony Daniels, Walter Koenig, Jenna-Louise Coleman, Studio C, Ian Somerhalder, Chris Evans and Anthony Mackie.

Those panels were more amusing than Darth Vader on a rollercoaster but we didn’t limit ourselves to just chanting like Ewoks for Anthony Daniels or giggling at John Barrowman’s lethal plane-fart stories. We also spent plenty of time on the exhibit floor snuggling with screen hotties like Ian Somerhalder and purchasing inevitable collectables.

Furthermore, we amassed something at comic con even more essential than Totoro truffles and lightsaber earrings. Yes, like Mario stashes coins, we gathered crucial trivia and tips. Here’s a bit of what we added to our memory engrams thanks to SLCC:

1. Although they played the Weasley twins very gingerly, James and Oliver Phelps are in fact brunettes. For the record, they are also about a foot taller than me.
2. Anthony Daniels originally thought playing a robot in a B sci-fi was beneath his Shakespearean roots. He’s a classy droid.
3. John Barrowman sings like a diva and welcomes anything during his fan photo shoots except kissing on the lips… and I do mean anything.
4. Ian Somerhalder may play an immortal that doesn’t give a crap but he does actually care about stuff and, more importantly, gives great hugs.
5. After waiting in a bathroom line longer than pi, don’t expect the luxury of toilet paper.
6. Chris Evans isn’t as imposing in person as he is on the big screen.
7. The Emperor likes my Hoth dress. It’s true, just ask him.
8. Walter Koenig’s lovely locks in The Original Series are real. Shatner’s are not.
9. The Utah Symphony puts on one spectacular Sci-Fi Spectacular.
10. Felicia Day is not afraid of a poop joke… or ten.

Salt Lake Comic Con, as always, was both a trial and triumph. The chaotic crowds on Saturday, by far the busiest day, made me feel a little like a bewildered Borg drone in an Icheb-infected cube. Still, widened aisles, RFID wristbands and an expanded ballroom made shuffling through the masses of superheroes and stormtroopers easier than in the past. An adequate supply of toilet paper in the bathrooms would have been nice though; I’m just saying.