There comes a time in the life of every runner when they need to leave the well kept sidewalks of the world behind and plunge right into the pigsty!

Jason and I, along with four of our compadres, did the dirty this year. The Dirty Dash is a 10K mud race that sends you scrambling through and over all sorts of obstacles including: muck-filled ditches, giant hay bales, soggy tunnels, impossibly high walls, mud pits, a sludgy lake, and of course the slop ‘n slide. Running doesn’t get any messier than this or any more comical!

We christened our team “The Filthy Mudbloods.” If you have read the Potter books you’re probably chuckling right now and, if you haven’t, you’re mostly likely shaking your head in bewilderment. I’m not explaining so just keep shaking your noggins or look it up on Wikipedia.

Our group made Hogwarts student hats, which were equipped with elastic bands to keep them on our heads, so the whole world would know that we are magically dork-a-licious. Additionally, Jason kindly sculpted wands for everyone out of wooden dowels. We kept them out and at the ready to obliterate any obstacles in our path as we ran, skipped, crawled, and trudged along. Although we did cast spells in concert as we threw ourselves at impediments, team problem solving proved slightly more useful to our cause than magic, howbeit less entertaining.

Yes, we worked together and helped each other along using any means at our disposal: brute force, stabilizing hands, or just good old-fashioned encouragement. Admittedly, I was probably less helpful than most since I have the upper body strength of a gerbil but, thankfully, the men in our group harnessed their inner Neanderthal and picked up the slack. They offered themselves as steppingstones to propel the weaklings, like myself, over some of the hurdles we encountered. They also selflessly volunteered their assistance in the form of mud-flinging ambushes. There’s nothing like having an enormous glob of muck tossed at your head by one of your teammates to enliven you and expedite your devolution.

We had an unimaginably good time tramping through chest-high rank waters, balancing on thin boards precariously positioned above sloshing pits, and catapulting ourselves over towering walls. Of course, afterwards we literally had to be hosed off with a pressure washer to remove all of our dirt clumps. I took three showers and one bath on the day of the race and I still felt like I had woken up on the wrong side of the pigpen. You’d be surprised by how much grime can hide in your earlobes or unmentionable places.

In addition to the dirt farm you are forced to cultivate between your toes, in order to participate in this filth festival you must make one other sacrifice to the mire gods. For some reason encasing yourself in mud, running through murky water, sliding through soil, etc., etc., etc. sends your body into some sort of hypothermic state. You don’t notice it while you are intent on the race and frolicking about but shortly after you stop it all catches up to you and you become colder than you can remember being in your life, so chilled that you get a backache from the fierce shivers that are convulsing through your body. Brr!!!

But, even with those scruples, would I recommend this race? Does a pig answer to the call of suey? If you run the dirty you will become grimier than you ever have been in your life x 100. You will not feel clean after multiple scrubbings and you will be inexplicably drained after all is said and done. But you will get to spend roughly an hour and 45 minutes* grinning from ear to ear while you unabashedly do all the things your mother always told you not to. So yes, I would definitely recommend The Dirty Dash and I plan on doing it again next year.

*Please note that this time estimate assumes a standard allotment of halting for mud chucking. Actual times may vary depending on personal hurling preferences.

Participating in the Utah Marathon Relay has become a tradition of ours. This year marked our third time running in this race, which consists of 26.2 miles split into five segments of 5.2 miles each.

We lost a couple of our teammates this year due to pregnancy and laziness so we found some fresh blood in the form of our friend Abigail and my sister-in-law Simone.

Things went smoother this year than last, we didn’t have to replace any of our runners at the last minute due to overflowing bowels, but not everything went exactly according to plan. As with last year, the night before the race I started getting a sore throat. Give me a break body! Why must that always be part of this annual ritual?

On the plus side, my brother Drew actually trained this time. Yes, miracles never cease. He was our first runner this year and managed to pull off a 49 minute 8 second run. I think that’s almost ten minutes faster than his usual. So yes, training does make a difference. (Please take note of that Drew for future reference.)

It was my turn next. I wish I could say I shaved ten minutes off my time but I crossed the finish line at 52 minutes and 46 seconds, which is very close to what I ran a couple of years ago but about 2 minutes slower than last year. Sad. I’ll blame it on the sore throat and shin splints. (Yes, my shins were a hurting during the race due to a bit of overtraining in the days leading up to this event.)

Simone and Abigail were our next runners. This was the longest race Simone has ever run. Kudos Simone for taking on the challenge! Abigail is no running rooky but the heat and exertion got to her and she ended up puking in the bushes within eyesight of the finish line. Way to take one for the team Abigail!

Jason closed the race for us with a 42 minute and 23 second run, which is pretty dang good considering that the temperature was escalating quickly to sickness-assured levels.

I’m proud of our little group. Our total time was 4 hours 22 minutes and 10 seconds and we finished 48^th out of 63 teams. It may be our slowest pace yet but we did have fresh pack members this year and participants new to running in general. So good job everyone!

We are the Gait Keepers and we will step all up in your pace!